Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
