I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sorry about my life...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
