Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Success! We fucked roommates!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
