Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
