I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
