I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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