You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
