I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
