im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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