He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
