She announced her abortion via fbk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
