currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I see more hoeing in ur future
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
