just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
