I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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