FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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