Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
