I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
