i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize