So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize