New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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