please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize