My room smells like vodka and shame
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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