dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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