my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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