3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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