He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
accomplished twins. life is a go
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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