I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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