whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
