Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Every concussion has its silver lining
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
