seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She's just so happy...and so naked.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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