literally had 100 drinks last night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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