Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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