Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
