Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
