I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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