if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Randomize
