I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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