I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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