He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize