Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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