It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
