I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
