i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
