a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Randomize
