also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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