mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
