I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
