my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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