nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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