Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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