Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
