i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
