Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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