The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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