please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
