dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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