you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
