Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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