textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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