I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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