he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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