AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
