I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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