Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize