Your mouth is God's brothel.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
