i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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