I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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