two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
