I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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